Gene: How can you possibly say with a straight face that life isn't good?
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Bran: Now I have to do this as carefully as a priest touching baby peen, otherwise it could just suck back up in there when I touch it
Branden was extracting a splinter from my finger.
Laurie: I wish this stinking cat would find a new hobby. I'm pretty sick of her stealing the straws out of my drink every time I turn my back.
That would be Lenore.
Brigid: Oh no! I got bank robbed.
She went bankrupt in Monopoly
Cameron: Us and we got one.
Haylan: I smell like the outside of some unwashed fruit...its kinda good.
Dallas: I just force people to go along with my dogma because it's easier that way.
Laurie: A couple of religious old fat ladies have just fallen into Gene's evil web of science.
Gene: That’s because they use those twins for experimental drugs, and used the other one for control.
Bran: We’ve been playing “Nana The Hutt” all day.
Haylan: Hear that? Your favorite thing is happening. She's laying a deuce.
Cat was scritchy scratching in the cat box.
Cameron: Oh, I thought you were doing something else. You’re just eating some more of that smelly-assed shit.
Cameron was NOT impressed with Brandon Fontenot's snuff.
Haylan: I'd be such a good comedian if I had three hands.
Haylan: You better wait 30 minutes after he ate. He might get a cramp.
Houdini was Bran's big Savannah Monitor. He was about to get a bath.
Dallas: Seperatum of freedom and religion.
Laurie: If you’re going out in the dark and creepy, it’s better to have a big guy with you.
Bran: I see some of you are having Smarmalade sandwiches again this morning. Must be delicious to be so much better than the rest of us.
Eric: I should get a Memento Mori tattoo here, as a warning to hot dogs.
Dorothy: It's beautiful, but its difficult for my brain. My brain is saying 'Don't watch obstacle pollutions. Don't watch em.'
Almost-3-yr-old Dorothy's thoughts on optical illusions
Cameron: Float like a butterfly, sing like a bean.
Haylan: Oh my god, my eyes taste SO bad.
Eye drops after surgery.
Dallas: If someone goes to all the trouble to get another name, people should respect that.
Eric: Not to alarm you, but the oven is on fire.
Laurie: I'm going to say something scandalous here...I don't really CARE that Steve Jobs died.
Gene: It’s a bargain. It’s a really good meal at an exorbitant price