Gene: Do you want the Spanish subtitles on?
Ben Broussard: Yeah, but turn it up so I can tell you what the subtitles mean.
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Bran: Some old asshole is getting a mother’s day gift. So you’ll have to help keep an eye out for UPS.
My first born uttered this to me.
Bran: Please look after cats. Will return when the bleak winter has passed. Send love to Aunt Ethel.
Cameron: I thought I was filling it up but I looked and there was like 75 cents worth of poop in there.
Haylan: Man, the other day there was all these bugs in the bath tub with me. It was weird.
Haylan: Oh man, I love them like kittens.
Re: Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies
Dallas: I'm really only interested in the ones I say.
Laurie: I've had to blow it out and grease it up twice in the last month...it's like having a frigid lover.
It was my sewing machine...
Bran: Hah, I just flicked a booger in the trash can at the same exact moment that someone down the row from me made a loud popping sound, so it sounded like I had a 90 pound death booger!
Bran: I wish Daddy would go ahead and get old and quit talking about it.
Norah: I'm going to take my backpack to school for Show Off.
Cameron: If seeing Halloween decorations the day after Halloween is going to give her an aneurysm, I say give her a fucking aneurysm.
Faedorah: What are you looking for?
Cameron: I don't know, but I sure know it's in this pile.
Haylan: $7.99 for 50 pounds? We should probably start eating deer corn.
Dallas: I spent two hours last night sweeping glitter off the floor. It made me think of you.
Dallas: You can always have too much, but you can never have enough.
Gene: In the beginning, a lack of knowledge and understanding never stopped any human being from making bold claims.
Bran: I am a hate pinata.
Eric: I will feel better if I just sit here and die.
Cameron: It was like the end of the world was on his ass, and he had to bite it off
Haylan: I was so scared until I smelled your breath and it was so bad it made me laugh.
Haylan: Often at this time of night when I am not sleeping I am either in bed or i am awake.
Dallas: God all the pea coats on eBay look like wool trash bags with neck holes.
Laurie: I slept good until Queen Cruddy, Tyrant of the Bedroom decided it was time to get up.
Bran: The great thing about drinking Mt. Dew is that it's the same color going out as it was going in.