Cameron: I’m just sitting here with my love arrow between my legs.
He was playing Cupid.
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Haylan: I feel like I'm laying here, and my brain is attached to my eyes with doublesided tape and they're floating. You don't know that feeling? It's like womwomwomw omwomwom".
Haylan took Benadryl.
Haylan: Mama, he's lipping behind your back.
Dallas: Nana's got more wisdom than all of us put together. She just can't remember none of it.
Gene: You're the meat in an idiot sandwich.
Bran: I smell amazing. I’m going to ask myself out on a date
Bran: Jesus Fookin' Christ. Splendid threw up and Hasil ran to eat it. He thinks she's a goddamn wet food dispenser.
Cameron: I only lick the armpits of people I love.
I told him Cruddy was trying to lick my pits.
Cameron: Mama, do we have any more moose licks?
Moose Licks = Meuslix cereal.
Haylan: Sometimes when I'm falling asleep, I think of scary noises by mistake.
Dallas: I've learned that there are stiff penalties for existing.
Laurie: If the best you can do for fireworks is to pop off a bunch of crap that sounds like a drunk halfheartedly and sleepily banging on an empty shortening can with a wooden spoon, maybe you should just give up.
Gene: Their sad god...my god doesn’t have to be wound up on Sunday
Bran: Well, get thee back to the castle, Little Lord Fauntleroy.
Said to Cameron
Eric: Just tell the doctor, "It's my French fry hole."
Cameron: I’m gonna go get me a sandwich. My stomach is beating on my liver and the whole thing is giving me a headache.
Haylan: Showering is for chumps. Take naps! They are for champs.
Haylan: Are we gonna do it face-headed?
Dallas: Mama, do you think Kevin's ever going to let me fight as a werewolf? That's the only reason for being a human; a human's the most boring thing there is. I didn't want to be just a regular dumb old man. That's what I am every day is just a regular dumb old man.
Gene: How can you possibly say with a straight face that life isn't good?
Bran: Now I have to do this as carefully as a priest touching baby peen, otherwise it could just suck back up in there when I touch it
Branden was extracting a splinter from my finger.
Laurie: I wish this stinking cat would find a new hobby. I'm pretty sick of her stealing the straws out of my drink every time I turn my back.
That would be Lenore.
Brigid: Oh no! I got bank robbed.
She went bankrupt in Monopoly
Cameron: Us and we got one.
Haylan: I smell like the outside of some unwashed fruit...its kinda good.