Cameron: Come get your money, it's made out of silver. God knows where I've been.
Cameron's version of Blood Money by Bon Jovi
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Haylan: You think they're gonna kill him in the show the same way as the comic? If they do, it's gonna be like when Pikachu gave all those people seizures.
Dallas: Y'all don't need the fucking comedy channel. I got you covered.
Eric: Between yard eggs and ukuleles, my threshold of normal may be skewed.
Laurie: An Observation: Normally my air freshener thing in the laundry room behind the cat pan works really well. This morning, it smells like a cat shit under a fruit tree.
Gene: It’s just too bad heaven ain’t looking for big fucking dumb asses like George Bush.
Bran: A recipe is just a pattern for food.
Virginia: I had a Teams meeting the other day in here, and I totally forgot about Butt Sex in the dining room.
Cameron: I used to have a hamster, but he kept dying, so I got a trophy instead.
Haylan: You're SO unflexible. I've never seen someone so unflexible since Uncle Tex.
Haylan: I don't want to go through the park. They have the primates working in there today.
Dallas: He looks like Ickity Peabod.
Ichabod Crane.
Laurie: When you live with a Canadian, eventually you will get chocolate on your watch.
Bran: I don't really care about anything, but I'm happy about that. I have happathy.
Dallas: It's the kind of place where a scarecrow might come to life and murder people.
Cameron: She's not half as good as she is cute...and she's not even all that cute.
I think we were talking about Cruddy.
Cameron: I waked up and there was a monster in my room. He had hair all over him, he had red eyes and big teeth. He wanted to eat me. So I got my turd hammer and bang! bang! I hit him in the head. I killed that monster with my turd hammer.
Cameron telling me about a dream he had.
Haylan: That is so disgusting my soul is trying to fight out of my body.
Dallas: Damn it, I wish I was just as lazy as I used to be and I didn't give a shit.
Christina: I want to be cremated.
Bran: Okay, I will preheat the oven. What time do you get home?
Laurie: I won't partake in your celebration of the ethnic cleansing of my people today. Thanks anyway.
Gene: Beethoven is the most depressed animal I’ve ever seen. If he had a thumb and a gun, he’d shoot himself.
Bran: I think wisdom teeth are an outdated evoloutional item. Back in the way old days, by the time you got to be 20 or older, you were probably the caveman village elder. At that point, most of your teeth had likely either rotted away, or been knocked out by dinosaurs and lizard men. So, when you were leading your rag-tag band of cave brutes with a rock fist (iron had not yet been invented, sorry) you needed some way to eat your ill prepared food. So, the sun god (he was still in office back then) provided you with an amazing set of extra teeth! Much like our ancestor the shard, you’d get these awesome new teeth that would show up right when you needed them most! Then you could eat your apples, grub worms and various poisonous berries (we had an appendix that DID something back then) and still maintain your outward displays of strength and physical prowess so important to the cave-rule.
Norah: Do you wanna know about my dreams? Not dreams that you sleep with, big dreams that follow you?
Cameron: They got those bootleg Spaghetti-O's. They're called Spaghetti Rings and they taste just like mud.