Haylan: Don't even interrupt me when I'm talking about cream cheese.
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Haylan: I wasn't spying on her. I was just getting my shoes and making very little noise so she wouldn't hear me.
Dallas: What’s a man’s name that can also be a girl’s name if you put an icky on it?
Nicky?
Laurie: I’m sorry but if baby Jesus was crying for no more reason than that, I’ll stick a pin in him and give him something to cry about.
Bran: I have a new million dollar idea. Summer camps for kids diagnosed with ADD-ADHD... to teach them to focus and apply themselves and overcome their problems. They'd be called 'concentration camps'
Eric: Apparently getting drunk on Coors light in a Texas campground changes the biochemistry of a Canadian's brain and they automatically know the words to 'Simple Man' but don't know who it's by.
Cameron: Those ginger snaps have a weird after taste...like something you're not supposed to eat. They taste like you ate a Christmas ornament.
Cameron: Look at that hairy ice cream. That hand came and put that stuff all on it, and now they gotta eat the hairy ice cream.
He was watching a Hershey's Chocolate Syrup commercial.
Haylan: People think just because they're standing around smoking they can stare at you.
Dallas: Muscles? Hell, I'm made of bones and ink.
Haylan: What I would like to do is pull out all my teeth and send them to Blue Cross in the mail.
Laurie: This is why I am self contained. I can't stand the human race in general. I find a few people palatable but only with salt & cayenne pepper.
Gene: It’s nothing. It’s just someone trying to get in on an intelligent conversation that doesn’t have any business in it.
Bran: That’s because all the white horses are still in bed. If I can find where those fuckers sleep, Imma set fire to their mattress
Norah: These don't suffercate because they don't breathe.
Cameron: It's scary holding dead cock roaches ‘cause you don’t know when they’re going to come back to life.
Haylan: Sorry, a beard hair went up my nose and I thought it was a ghost.
Haylan: Is this just eat on Haylan day or something?
Dallas: I want to be just as shrimpy and crappy looking as I can be.
Laurie: I need a recumbent bike if I ever ride again. I can’t deal with all the falling over crap.
Bran: I can't believe he said the word bank without the word robbery following it. Lisa must be some kind of alien and she laid eggs in him or something.
Dallas: Norah, I see you've added lying to your list of skills in your resume.
Cameron: I'm a good Christmas investigator.
Cameron: There's a worm in my beer, I cry about my dear. There's a ear in my beer.
Cameron wrote a country song.
Haylan: These are so good, they're like vegetable candy.
Haylan loves Brussel Sprouts.