Gene: I'll go with you. There are plenty of people out there who look as bad as I do.
Looking at the gathering of hillbillies at my cousin James' graveside service.
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Cameron: Why don't you just have a can of shit, like everyone else?
Haylan: Science is stronger than religion and that's why people get pregnant.
Haylan: It's not perfume, it's that smelly good stuff.
Dallas: Nope, you're too old. You smell too bad. You're almost a dog.
Po'Nard.
Laurie: I used some of those dastardly wax strips on my legs and pits because I keep getting ingrown hairs. Those things are really implements of torture and if they’re not illegal under the Geneva Convention, they should be.
Bran: The only thing stopping us is our own vile laziness.
Dallas: Baby Haylan my little daughter, too.
1984
Cameron: I thought I was a narcissist. Then I saw people on Instagram..
Cameron: Yeah, and life is hard. 01.16.95.
Yeah, don't tell him how old he is...
Dallas: I don't know if you know this, but women have hair and I'm not into them looking like little girls so if that was it, fuck them, too.
This is in reply to someone who dropped of an Instagram account after commenting about razor stubble in a healing tattoo pic.
Dallas: Oh, I always wanted to hold this one, cause it's all bushy and fuzzy and I'll give it a peanut if I can pull a feather from it's tail.
Gene: I like my food like I like my women. Once I figure out what I like, I stick with it. I could try something else if you really want me to.
Undated. I won't ever ask him to try something new again.
Bran: Someone likes to steal lunches out of the break room at work. Before I put mine in there earlier today, I wrote with a sharpie, “I sit where I can see the break room and Revenge is my only god.” Seems to have worked, nom nom nom.
Gene: There's that sharp tongue.
Norah: It's not sharp, it's fancy like a chandelier.
I had commented that Norah had had a sharp tongue all day. Gene didn't see it until he did.
Cameron: He thinks just because he's got two buttholes he can shit on us with both of them.
Haylan: Never trust a man who wears an otter as a hat.
Haylan: Keiko made this big elaborate production out of throwing up--a huge show, full of lights and glitter and she only puked a spot the size of a dime....bitch.
Dallas: That's okay, I'll probably have to throw it in the river if I ever use it anyway, so I might as well have a cheap one.
Laurie: Gene has a real issue with believing that everyone sees things the way he does. He's got the biggest thickest pair of rose colored glasses I've ever seen.
Bran: I wish that I could say that this is less true a year later. Now, I have perfected some Kaiju level Peeves. They are teaming up with Godzilla, Gamera, and Mothra in an end all fight to the death Ragnarock battle to the finish against the peeves of religious shut-ins, homophobes and racists, all across the globe.
Re: His earlier quote about peeves.
Bran: On the next “Current Affair”: Why did Lucifer really get kicked out of the Kingdom of Heaven? Was it because he sinned or was it the peanut butter and onion sandwich he made?
Date Unrecorded.
Eric: Ice is basically disposable rocks.
Cameron: Well, you know what they say, go big or go home and you're already home so that only leaves you one choice.
Cameron: You're about to reach the point of my rear end.