Dallas: I don't know what I want but I don't want whatever y'all want me to have.
1987.
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Cameron: Life is all about finding places you're comfortable to fart in.
Cameron: He only bloodied one forehead, but it was the only forehead he had.
Haylan: Right as I try to tickle you and start to feel better, you go and shit your pants.
Dallas: Carnival justice is quick and often wrong.
Dallas: Sometimes Spiderman swings by his peanut, that's what happens when Wonder Woman messes with him.
4 years old.
Gene: It’s like looking down the hole of an outhouse and picking out the best turd.
Looking at a list of republican candidates.
Bran: Just because you are good at swimming, does not mean that there are not sharks in the water.
Gene: I'll go with you. There are plenty of people out there who look as bad as I do.
Looking at the gathering of hillbillies at my cousin James' graveside service.
Cameron: Why don't you just have a can of shit, like everyone else?
Haylan: Science is stronger than religion and that's why people get pregnant.
Haylan: It's not perfume, it's that smelly good stuff.
Dallas: Nope, you're too old. You smell too bad. You're almost a dog.
Po'Nard.
Laurie: I used some of those dastardly wax strips on my legs and pits because I keep getting ingrown hairs. Those things are really implements of torture and if they’re not illegal under the Geneva Convention, they should be.
Bran: The only thing stopping us is our own vile laziness.
Dallas: Baby Haylan my little daughter, too.
1984
Cameron: I thought I was a narcissist. Then I saw people on Instagram..
Cameron: Yeah, and life is hard. 01.16.95.
Yeah, don't tell him how old he is...
Dallas: I don't know if you know this, but women have hair and I'm not into them looking like little girls so if that was it, fuck them, too.
This is in reply to someone who dropped of an Instagram account after commenting about razor stubble in a healing tattoo pic.
Dallas: Oh, I always wanted to hold this one, cause it's all bushy and fuzzy and I'll give it a peanut if I can pull a feather from it's tail.
Gene: I like my food like I like my women. Once I figure out what I like, I stick with it. I could try something else if you really want me to.
Undated. I won't ever ask him to try something new again.
Bran: Someone likes to steal lunches out of the break room at work. Before I put mine in there earlier today, I wrote with a sharpie, “I sit where I can see the break room and Revenge is my only god.” Seems to have worked, nom nom nom.
Gene: There's that sharp tongue.
Norah: It's not sharp, it's fancy like a chandelier.
I had commented that Norah had had a sharp tongue all day. Gene didn't see it until he did.
Cameron: He thinks just because he's got two buttholes he can shit on us with both of them.
Haylan: Never trust a man who wears an otter as a hat.