Laurie: I won't partake in your celebration of the ethnic cleansing of my people today. Thanks anyway.
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Gene: Beethoven is the most depressed animal I’ve ever seen. If he had a thumb and a gun, he’d shoot himself.
Bran: I think wisdom teeth are an outdated evoloutional item. Back in the way old days, by the time you got to be 20 or older, you were probably the caveman village elder. At that point, most of your teeth had likely either rotted away, or been knocked out by dinosaurs and lizard men. So, when you were leading your rag-tag band of cave brutes with a rock fist (iron had not yet been invented, sorry) you needed some way to eat your ill prepared food. So, the sun god (he was still in office back then) provided you with an amazing set of extra teeth! Much like our ancestor the shard, you’d get these awesome new teeth that would show up right when you needed them most! Then you could eat your apples, grub worms and various poisonous berries (we had an appendix that DID something back then) and still maintain your outward displays of strength and physical prowess so important to the cave-rule.
Norah: Do you wanna know about my dreams? Not dreams that you sleep with, big dreams that follow you?
Cameron: They got those bootleg Spaghetti-O's. They're called Spaghetti Rings and they taste just like mud.
Haylan: Tons of pockets on bags drive me crazy. It's like I'm carrying around the fucking Winchester house.
Haylan: You start off with an umbrella and you hold it over your head. The stress falls on the umbrella and can’t get to you.
As Donna, helping Gene prepare for a job interview.
Dallas: Watch this, I’m gonna leave the room and in a few minutes Cameron’s gonna come in here mad.
Laurie: When I’m wearing heels, I walk like a straight man in drag.
Bran: What is called when a composer touches himself? Maestro-bation.
Bran: Papaw, do you want a coff of cuppee?
Cameron: I am so sick of not being able to teleport.
Cameron: Slightly, you're purring like a mad dog.
Haylan: Besides a few unsavory things, your favorite thing about the internet is cats.
Dallas: Our best ideas were always wrong but that didn't mean we weren't going to try.
Laurie: Some of you folks out there are far too gleeful about other folks' woes. It makes you look like real assholes.
Gene: Blackie must be gay running across the country destroying American families.
Bran: It’s just like John Denver, but with landmarks we’ve never heard of.
Re: Canadian music.
Bran: Jesus Hood Ornament Christ, for the smallest, softest, cutest, sweetest thing, Envy can take a shit that would rival any of the Old Gods for sheer obliterating stench. I think my heart stopped for a few minutes. I would request CPR if it wasn't like to kill anyone who tried to come in here and save me. I need a shower after being in the room where that happened.
Cameron: I bet if Superman wore those glasses, I bet everyone would just think it was Clark Kent in an outfit.
Haylan: You're one pun closer to divorce.
Eric: You're one MORE pun closer to divorce.
Haylan: I like mints, cause they taste just like they’re killing something.
Dallas: Sometimes you don’t know what it’s saying if you don’t read too good.
Subtitles.
Laurie: Some of y’all are working hard at being ignorant.
Bran: I don't even have "Pet Peeves" any more. I have huge overgrown Battle Ready Peeves. Peeves that need to be homed on some rehab / safari place for when idiots raise scary pets that become too large and fearsome to be taken care of. My Peeves need to go live with that Chimp That Ripped The Lady's Face Off, a Bear Who Mauls Everyone, Tillikum The Orca Whale Of Death, and 37 Mad Tigers Behind A Sketchy Chainlink Fence Somewhere In The Woods.